VI. The arold’s ord
is the ing’s ord

Haroldry on Field, Parking Lot, and Runway

It is extremely tacky to use a bullhorn. First of all, no one can hear what you are saying above the howling noises they tend to emit; secondly, mundane hunters in nearby fields may be tempted to shoot at you.

Never use an electric megaphone, for it is not medieval, and while the people you are not pointing it at can’t hear you, the people you are pointing it at can hear nothing else and will soon wish to do unspeakable things to your larynx and perhaps the rest of your body*.

Never ever have two Harolds speak at the same time. Though the technique may give the two Harolds extra combined volume, it is not an effective tool for communication, for the two messages given by the two Harolds tend to get quite garbled.

Never ever ever have two Harolds speak at the same time through an electric megaphone. In addition to the combined problems of a single Harold speaking through a megaphone and two Harolds giving two messages, this technique tends to use up the batteries rather quickly and annoy the megaphone’s owner.

If the megaphone belongs to a policeman who wishes to make an announcement about the Hell’s Angels, give it back to him immediately and allow him to make his announcement. It is likely that what he has to say is more important than who just won the final round of the Crowd List.

A common task asked of Harolds is to wake up in the morning. Then they are commonly asked to wake up everybody else. This is a task best assigned to young Harolds, for they are likely to consider objects thrown at them thanks for a job well done. Moreover, their bones mend more quickly. It is this writer’s experience that standing at one end of a campground and yelling at five thirty in the morning has a variably dangerous effect depending on how far away the sleepers are from the Harold.

The occupants of the five or so closest tents will probably knock down their tents from the shock and surprise at being yelled at at five thirty in the morning. This is thus not a recommended procedure when the guests include a large number of persons on leave after military boot camp. The occupants of the next ten or so tents will probably not be so severely shocked, but will still miss the message because even God sleeps at five thirty in the morning. The occupants of the rest of the camp will probably not hear you at all. If they do hear you, they will probably be in REM sleep and your announcement of the day’s events is likely to give them strange dreams and interminable deja-vu during the day.

A better solution is to gently knock on the cabin door and greet the sleepers to a bright sunny day of fighting, wenching, and breakfast. Some would say that because the mind is slow at so late at night, it is a good idea to change the wording of the message for the three deliveries. In reality, one of three things will happen. The first and initial possibility is that the occupant is a light sleeper, heard you tromping up, is expecting a ninja assassin at any moment, and is thus fully awake anyway. The second and middle possibility is that the occupant is a medium sleeper, so your tromping didn’t bother him. He was, however, awakened by the way you banged on the kettle six or eight times. He will get the gist of the message from the light sleeper who heard every word. The third and final possibility is that the occupant is a heavy sleeper, in which case he will appear in time for seconds at lunch and ask where the sign-up sheets are for the morning’s tournament.

Of course, there is always the fourth possibility that the light sleepers have already gone to take a shower and eat breakfast, leaving you with confused light sleepers and heavy sleepers completely in the dark.

Frequently Harolds are simultaneously asked to make a whole lot of announcements, and each such request is made as if it were only slightly less important than an urgent call for a Chirurgeon because someone has fallen into the lake and is drowning. People who request that the staff of Harolds make such announcement often fail to realize that there are indeed other matters which need to be taken care of first.

You must learn to deal, for instance, with merchants who develop a murderous rage because you have prioritized the availability of personalized leather belt buckles behind a call for volunteers for water bearers. There is an inherent way to prioritize messages depending on their content. Here is an example of how to schedule announcements. The list is arranged in order of decreasing priority:

1. The Wandering Peddler is selling personalized belt buckles at the pavilion.
2. The local barony meets every Tuesday at the Pizza hut on Bolton Road.
3. It is time to break for lunch.
4. The Cooks need help.
5. The Marshals need help.
6. The Water-bearers need help.
7. The Harolds need help.
8. The List is about to begin.
9. The winner of the List is Master Oldwynorg ap Bwynaghoiddhenidhe.
10. The King has an important announcement.
11. Someone has fallen into the lake and is drowning, and the Chirurgeons are desperately needed.

Sometimes young Harolds see and hear (very clearly) someone stomping across the field yelling “Harold! Harold!” loudly enough to be heard by all. They often wonder why such individuals, with such fine voices and projection, don’t join the Harolds and contribute their talents that way. Such thoughts must be staunchly discouraged, for they are rude. Clearly, anyone important enough to stomp across a field yelling “Harold! Harold!” loudly enough to be heard by all is also important enough to have more on his mind than to assist in governing the Ramble. Besides that, the purpose of the Harold’s office is to provide voice training for those most in need of it. It would be a waste of time for the Harolds to train people who already have loud voices.

*Probably not the kinds of terrible things you have in mind, you little tramp!