VIII. The arold’s ath

I’ve Got You Now

Every Harold, on completing his training, having successfully finished his vigil, having passed all the required proficiency examinations, having fasted for three days and nights with nothing to eat but orange juice, and having recited the Contraptions of all the Greater Laids and Lordies of the Ramble, and having proven his Haroldic ability by finding a sponsor to the Community College of Harolds, must take an Oath of Orifice. This applies to all Harolds, from the lowliest plebeian Ocarina Harold to the most wizened Principal Harold Emeritus and Recipient of the Crumpled Trumpet.

Here is an example of such an oath, recorded at a recent sentencing of an Ocarina Harold.

i, your name—er, Ulrick Pigsty, pledge to fulfill my duties as Ocarina Harold in the Northern Kingdom of Minestronea to better than the best of my ability. i will give true counsel, i will state the facts, i will withhold my opinions, i will speak only when spoken to, i shall not comment about the likelihood of rain, i shall not make fun of that ghastly unsuitable badger someone submitted last week, and i shall not allow any transgressions or successful circumventions of the Rules of Complication to go unreported. i shall pester and badger uncultured louts whose best purpose is to be connived into washing dishes, moving tables, and asking the recently arrived band of unwashed ruffians, cutthroats and baboons to move elsewhere to submit some kind of drawing, mostly so we can make fun of them and use them as examples at classes in Haroldry of what not to do. i will perform all acts, natural and unnatural, as required by my superior. i shall jump and respond when anyone yells “Harold!” Recognizing that my behavior reflects on the Community College of Harolds and Harolds everywhere, even when i am off duty and not within miles of a Harold’s Tabard, i shall not engage in drunken merrymaking, i shall not engage in any flirting arts of the Society, and i shall not consort with men or women of the same or opposite sex. This i do swear on my life and on the Harold’s Trumpets. Oh! And on this Sword, too.

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