III. nsuitable adgers

How the Words Came to Be

There are three stages of Haroldic signs, namely badgers, gimmicks, and contraptions. The stages have to do with the rank of the person bearing a Haroldic sign. The stages of Haroldic signs, like the stages of decomposing cheese in a refrigerator or other permanent comestible storage facility, are distinguished by corresponding stages of rank.

A gentle—that is, an uncultured lout whose best purpose is to be connived into washing dishes, moving tables, and asking the recently arrived band of unwashed ruffians, cutthroats and baboons to move elsewhere—is often pestered and badgered by Harolds to submit some kind of drawing, mostly so they can make fun of it and use it as an example at classes in Haroldry of what not to do. Thus a simple sign is known as a badger.

Once a gentle has washed a lot of dishes, moved a whole lot of tables, or successfully asked the recently arrived band of unwashed ruffians, cutthroats and baboons to move elsewhere—that is, without getting yelled at or killed too much—he may be made by some busybody Harold to look foolish in front of the King and everybody and Awarded an Alarms. Once given an Award of Alarms, the former gentle is known as an Alarmiger and has several rights and responsibilities.

An Alarmiger has the right, much to the alarm of his gentle—and former—friends, to succor uncultured louts into washing dishes, moving tables, and asking the recently arrived band of unwashed ruffians, cutthroats and baboons to move elsewhere. An Alarmiger also has the responsibility to submit some kind of drawing to the Harolds, mostly so they can make fun of it and use it at classes in Haroldry as an example of what not to do. If the Alarmiger had had the sense to submit a badger earlier, it now becomes a gimmick.

For those who don’t know the difference between a badger and a gimmick, the author will now spend precious ink and effort to explain it as simply as it is possible to do. The specific difference has a name, one that is easy to remember and should clear up any misconceptions about this hotly debated topic of Haroldry. The name of the specific kind of difference found between badgers and gimmicks is “identity.”

The next rot, or stage of rank, is the Patent of Alarms. Once an Alarmiger has caused enough alarum amongst his acquaintances and passing ruffians, he may once again be made by some busybody Harold to look foolish in front of the King and everybody and be decomposed to the rank of Pier. This is the highest honor that may be inflicted by a King upon his subjects; common verbiage has it that one who has been made a Pier has only a short wait before his ship comes in. Once made a Pier, the former Alarmiger is known as a Pier and has several rights and responsibilities.

A Pier has the right to supervise Alarmigers succor uncultured louts into washing dishes, moving tables, and asking the recently arrived band of unwashed ruffians, cutthroats and baboons to move elsewhere, much to the alarm of his gentle—and former—friends.

A Pier has the responsibility to figure out how he got that way and discourage it happening to anyone else. Thus the long periods of supervision can be put to good use. Since many Piers are called upon to supervise louts and Alarmigers, also known as pier-ons, they have much time on their hands to discuss novel and interesting chores for the pier-ons to perform.

A Pier also has the responsibility to submit some kind of drawing to the Harolds, mostly so they can make fun of it and use it at classes in Haroldry as an example of what not to do. If the Alarmiger had had the sense to submit a gimmick earlier, it now becomes a contraption.

To those who don’t know the difference between a gimmick and a contraption, the Author will now spend precious ink and effort to explain it as simply as it is possible to do. The specific difference has a name, one that is easy to remember and should clear up any misconceptions about this hotly debated topic of Haroldry. The name of the specific kind of difference found between gimmicks and contraptions is “identity.”

Next: The Language of Haroldry: It’s all Middle French to Me